big birthdays

i am in the midst of a birthday blitz of sorts.  i have celebrated over the last month or so an inordinate amount (my own not included).  this, of course, is no complaint, as most celebrations include copious amounts of dancing, drinking, and general debauchery--even in the case of my mother's 49th celebration.  these parties have, however, gotten me thinking about growing up, getting old, and hopefully gaining some wisdom along with the inevitable disadvantages of gravity.  though my own birthday isn't until the summer of next year, it will be marking the chapter-ending, double-decade  20 whole years lived in this great wide world.  

when i was back in toronto for thanksgiving a month or so ago, i brought up my fear of turning the big 2-0 with my mum.  this would be the end, i insisted, of carelessness, of freedom, of no expectations and yet every expectation possible.  mum, being the nostalgic hippie that she is, was quick to jump in: "the 20s were the best, most fun decade of my life!"  i raised my eyebrows.  "except for those with you and your brother and your father, of course."  right.  either way, it makes me wonder.  

maybe the 20s will be everything they should be--the best decade of my life.  maybe for all the reasons i'm afraid of them, they will actually be amazing.  instead of fearing what i'm going to do with my life i might actually just figure it out.  maybe i'll see the world beyond the shelter of my parent's kind donations.  there are the obvious reasons why my third decade could be great:

1.  sleeping with men, not boys, who know what they're doing

2.  leaving behind the drunken mistakes and conversations that shouldn't be had

3.  inevitable adventures

the teenage years were, if anything, a decade of firsts, of experimentation, of figuring out why you can't do some things and figuring out how to get away with doing others.

so i must wish all of my celebrating friends a happy birthday.  most of them are on the same precipice where i find myself now.  although i still maintain some trepidation, i hope that when the time comes in a few months to make the jump i'll be ready.

in the meantime, i will continue to make mistakes--i need to collect them now, while i still can.